Redemption, again...

I have the best job in the world. I work in the largest company in the earth. It covers my meal, my place to stay, friends, health insurance, even death insurance. Every morning there's some angel's faces that I saw, I saw purity in pre-school kids. It's amazing. There's pure joy that they bring to my heart every morning, I can dance, sing for my Boss. Enjoy every sunrise here, in Topeka. (trust me, they have the best sunrise view). And share with young people. Fulfilling, exciting, and wonderful.
Especially this week, I've been strugling with some serious issue that I can't get rid of for so long. I've been fighting through it, but I can't get out. Until one night, I was sick of it. So sick of my sin. I feel like I wanna throw up thinking that God forgave me but I still rebel and keep falling in the same hole. I am so sick. Spiritually sick. Let me quote some of my words that I wrote that night,

"I don't know what's happening to me.. Ooh, I feel sick, spiritually. Yesterday was terrible. Oh man, I just doing my re-dedication, ignite my fire and suddenly I'm falling & breaking into pieces.....
God I am so sick of it, and it's so nasty. It's so yucky and after that I didn't even wanna look at it, even think of it. I feel teribly shamed.... and the guilty never disapear since then. And I'm start cursing, God, help me! I'm so sick of this and I feel that I wanna throw up.. my brain hurts, my heart aches! Oooh, God! Lift this burden up.. I beg You, my Father. Help!"

I feel like, my sin is a dead body that attached to my body. It's heavy, and everytime I breathe, the breath just come back to me with the smell of dead body, and all I can see is the dead body. My sin. I'm shamed and unworthy. I will do anything to get out of this crap. I want Jesus. But I can't see Him. Now I know why in the Bible says, "The sin has separate us from God."
But then, one sunday, I was singing in the front and the song says,

"You stood before my failure

And carried the cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

And what could I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You"

And I was just balling with tears, I couldn't even sing. I know that God's forgiveness is unlimited, but sometimes I need to see redemption again. And that morning, I saw redemption, again. And I know that I am redeemed. I am free from my sin. He took it all. That is the greatest love of all. The true salvation. My Lover, Boss, Master, Father, True Friend redeemed me. He took the fall, He said, "When I took the cross, there's unbearable pain in my body. Unbearable pain in My heart because my Father turn His back to me. I know that one word from my mouth can release me from that pain, but... I took it, I took the cross and thought of you. When you do that sins, and I know I wouldn't stop bearing the cross, even though, I know I could."

Oh, man! It feels awesomely great. I am free. and at that night I had an opportunity to share at the youth group for 30-40 minutes. And I know excatly what I'm talking about. Jesus, redemption, new life.

"Crusified, laid behind the stone.

You live to die, rejected and alone. Like a rose trempled on the ground.

You took the fall.

And thought of me.

Above all."

Natasha.C.D