"Do you know what are you looking for?"
Still on my journey finding my identity. Ah! It is so aggravating.. because it seems like it never ends. But you know, being away from my comfort zone, being in another country was not an easy transition for me. It's just different than last time I came here, because the last time I was here, it's only like 3 months, and then extended to 6 months. But now, I know that I have to stay here for at least a year.
And just the fact that I can't change that, made me really sad. It was huge for me.
I remember telling the Lord, that this year.. will be just me and Him, walk together, side by side. There will be nobody else. And he actually DID. He pull me out of the way and take me tight to His side. It sounds really good, isn't it? Walking with the Lord.... it's good, but it wasn't easy. At all.
But he never said it will be easy anyways.. He said that he will give strength.
It was one of those days.. again, I felt frustrated. Nobody to talk with, alone, and nobody seems to understand. Nobody seems have time to listen. Ah, so hard.. I'm searching.. and searching... for me.
I went everywhere, to look for something satisfying... and every where I go, I see Jesus. It seems like I can't escape from Him even for a minute. My souls dying... I can't be separated from Him. My brain hurts.
But through multicolored crystal ball, I saw his beauty.
Through the laugh of the people I hear His joy.
Through arts and music, He revive my soul.
Music, tones, and melody... are just so beautiful, I hear his voice through cello, his songs through the wind and I see himself through wonders.
But I am still searching... and keep searching....
Until I finally hit the point, where I can't go any further.. I'm just stuck. My friend and I keep talking and she keep asking me questions... after questions.. I just don't want to go back, I just don't want to move, I just want to give up. I am so freakin' tired of this game. People here doesn't love me! No one cares... I hate being where I am right now. And my friend ask me...
"Sasha, do you know what are you looking for?"
Ans I start thinking... but I can't think of anything. I am suck, and I am stuck! I am so desperate, I am confused... "What am I looking for??" and I come up with one answer.. "I.. don't know."
Couldn't take it anymore. The tears, run down one by one, it's such a pain from my heart. So I ran to the lake, the great lake... it was cold, but I don't care. I need an answer, I need Jesus.
"Lord, what am I looking for?? I lost my purpose... I lost everything! And I don't want to lose you!!"
And the Lord gently come to me.. and he said that He always be here with me. And he says, "You know... screw your past, that doesn't mean anything to me. And screw your future!! Don't live in it... No past, no future, nothing... but you.. and me."
That's just comfort me. That there's nothing.. but me, and Him alone. That I will find me in Him and I will find Him in me. That's what I'm looking for. That it is okay.. to be me, to be stupid, to be alone, to just not care about the future until I'm ready. That it is okay to be so fragile and just cling to Jesus.
And my best friend from Indonesia tell me today.. "I believe that you gonna make it."
I am not alone.
And just the fact that I can't change that, made me really sad. It was huge for me.
I remember telling the Lord, that this year.. will be just me and Him, walk together, side by side. There will be nobody else. And he actually DID. He pull me out of the way and take me tight to His side. It sounds really good, isn't it? Walking with the Lord.... it's good, but it wasn't easy. At all.
But he never said it will be easy anyways.. He said that he will give strength.
It was one of those days.. again, I felt frustrated. Nobody to talk with, alone, and nobody seems to understand. Nobody seems have time to listen. Ah, so hard.. I'm searching.. and searching... for me.
I went everywhere, to look for something satisfying... and every where I go, I see Jesus. It seems like I can't escape from Him even for a minute. My souls dying... I can't be separated from Him. My brain hurts.
But through multicolored crystal ball, I saw his beauty.
Through the laugh of the people I hear His joy.
Through arts and music, He revive my soul.
Music, tones, and melody... are just so beautiful, I hear his voice through cello, his songs through the wind and I see himself through wonders.
But I am still searching... and keep searching....
Until I finally hit the point, where I can't go any further.. I'm just stuck. My friend and I keep talking and she keep asking me questions... after questions.. I just don't want to go back, I just don't want to move, I just want to give up. I am so freakin' tired of this game. People here doesn't love me! No one cares... I hate being where I am right now. And my friend ask me...
"Sasha, do you know what are you looking for?"
Ans I start thinking... but I can't think of anything. I am suck, and I am stuck! I am so desperate, I am confused... "What am I looking for??" and I come up with one answer.. "I.. don't know."
Couldn't take it anymore. The tears, run down one by one, it's such a pain from my heart. So I ran to the lake, the great lake... it was cold, but I don't care. I need an answer, I need Jesus.
"Lord, what am I looking for?? I lost my purpose... I lost everything! And I don't want to lose you!!"
And the Lord gently come to me.. and he said that He always be here with me. And he says, "You know... screw your past, that doesn't mean anything to me. And screw your future!! Don't live in it... No past, no future, nothing... but you.. and me."
That's just comfort me. That there's nothing.. but me, and Him alone. That I will find me in Him and I will find Him in me. That's what I'm looking for. That it is okay.. to be me, to be stupid, to be alone, to just not care about the future until I'm ready. That it is okay to be so fragile and just cling to Jesus.
And my best friend from Indonesia tell me today.. "I believe that you gonna make it."
I am not alone.
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