The week that changes my life

I don't really know where to start, to be honest.
Because it's been amazing, yet, frustrating. It the week when I can see clearly the cross. The cross, where Jesus was crucified. I see it in the people, I see it through my reflection. Because everyday, I nailed that nail into His hands, and I put the crown of thorns in His head again, and again.
I see it through people's life, I see it in people's eyes, I see it in my own life.
I know that it was my sins that He took.
I was just one of them. Sinners. The wretch one.
I am no difference than the killer, the people in the street and the homeless. I am just one of them. I am nothing more than any of them, I try to find Jesus, but when I finally found Him, I failed Him.
I am a failure. I can never ever be perfect.

That's why He came. And rescue me. He know that I can't be with Him without grace.

This week, I had an opportunity to get to the people, the worse people and the wretch. The homeless, the drugs addict, the Muslim people. Did I see Jesus through them? No. But I see me, the old me, the unredeemed me. The shamed, condemned, and guilt of sins. Me. I saw me.
They were faceless and nameless. There's an emptiness breath in my soul. I felt empty. I keep pouring and pouring but I never get back from the Living Water.
I got beaten up really bad. It was good, yeah, but it wasn't me. I wasn't even aware of what's going on. I am exhausted, I am tired and I am desperate for Jesus.
All I see is my sins, my guilt, my shame in every people face. I don't know why.

Until I get back to the campus. I was glad. But I still missing something. Something really important but I can't find out what.
Until...

I played basketball. I thought I was having fun. Chasing the ball, and run back and forth. It was only two girls playing and the rest of us are guys. I wasn't frustrated at all. I was having fun. But then my other friend was upset because she never get the ball even though she was in the open position. She quit. And I am totally confused, because nobody notice that. And I start feeling bad... until one guy, from the other team, notice. He saw what's going on and he yelled at the guys in my team, "Guys, Sasha was wide open... you should remember that she is a part of your team."
One comment that he made. Bring tears to my eyes.
"Oh, no.. I'm okay." I said.
But tears was just flow out of my will. Couple minutes later, I quit. I know that I just have to quit, not that I'm upset or anything but, I know that God want to talk to me.
Then I went running in the football court. Loop by loop. As I ran, faster and faster, tears are just falling one... by... one into my cheek. My heart hurts, really bad. It was bitter, it was choking my breath. But I keep running.

"I remember when I stumble in the wind"
I stumble so many times in my life, no, I am not perfect, I can't be perfect. If you want me to be cool, I can't never be cool enough. I am who I am.

"You heard my cry to you and raised me up again."
He heard me, and day by day, He gave me strength to carry on. To press on in this hard life that I choose.

"My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, if I can not find You?"
A lot of time, I lost my strength. I just cannot run anymore. This is it, the end of my journey. The only reason I keep on my race is when I see Jesus in the finish line. But also a lot of the time, the storm made me blind. I just could not see Him. He seems so far away.

"As a thunder rolls, I barely hear, You whisper through the rain...
I'm with you..."
I fell down in the grass. And with eyes fill with tears, I looked up to the sky. And I heard Him saying, "I'm with you." Clearly. Just like that one guy noticed me, God also noticed me. And He stands up and fight for my rights. He care for me when nobody else care. I have nothing left, my family, my friends are all gone. All I have is Him, and he said that I can find rest in Him, I don't have to be cool, I don't have to pretend to be strong.

I can just be... me. He cares. The hurting, the pain and sorrow. He cares.
Even when nobody else does.

"I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?
My helps come from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth."