The Passion

How well, Fred Markert is such an awesome dude! He is my hero now (I'm sorry Fox), but man, he is just so cool! He lead the YWAM base in Colorado Springs and he's been all over the world. He taught us about missions today for about a week, I wish he can stay here longer. Oh man. I am burning. There's something that's been cold for quiet a while and now it's burning again. Man! It's such a great fire form heaven.
So, I have a heart for Tibet, China, and all those Asian country. Oh man, I am breaking and longing to go there. And this dude has a same passion. He was talking, on and on about what he has been done in China, Tibet and Bhutan. How God used him in such a mighty and wonderful ways that people can possibly imagine. I am thrilled. I am speechless. But I am breaking.
Last year, I work with YWAM in Trinidad, and I had such a great and life changing time. I love YWAM. I met Loren Cunningham when he visited Indonesia, and I was there when they planted the new YWAM base in Indonesia. And I am so excited to be a part of their family, one of those YWAMers. DTS went amazing, I love my leader, friends and oh, those people really know how to pray and spiritual warfare. I am so blessed to be a part of the YWAM family. But after I done with YWAM, God told me to go back to Indonesia. I don't understand why, but I just obey. And I'm doing tons of things in Indonesia. I'm glad I was back.
Three months after that I go back to the US because (I feel) God want me to. And I think He did. But to be honest, I wasn't fully sure, but it went good anyways. I work in summer camp, God was bending my character, bring me through process. But after that, I was just like a small little fire that don't know what am I there for. It was really intense, and it just shut me off almost completely.
I can't talk to people about Jesus, fear, I'm falling back to my old sin and I lost my life. I lost my passion. I didn't read the Bible, my quiet time is never consistent, I've been so far away from God. I'm looks fine though, like a branch that just been cut off from the tree will look just green and fine, but soon, people can see the different. And I turn back to Indonesia, and it even get worse. People give me tons of ministry, everyday I am doing ministry without having a deep relationship with God and I pretend that I know a lot of stuff but I didn't. I fell even deeper to my old sin, I rebel to my parents, back to my old habit, my life is such a mess.
I look fine, just like everybody else, but deep inside of me, I'm lost. You probably laughing, and say, "yeah, right!" but, it really is, happen to me, I am lost. Sin separate me from my Father.
But then, God brought me to BCOM (Bethany College of Mission) in Minnesota. I just hate to go back to the US, because something inside this country that I can't fight in. It was so, so hard to say goodbye to all my family and friends, I just got a feeling that I maybe not gonna come back for quiet a while. I was weeping, my heart was breaking, I had this relationship with some guy and it was just horrible. It just like unbearable hell in my shoulder and I just wanting Jesus to take it off. Because it starting to make me numb. I had this empty vision for what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. It's just like a blank canvas. I can't believe it.
Yes, this is me, Natasha, a person that used to have a great passion and vision for Christ, wanna spread the Gospel all around the world. Now I know that I am nothing. I'm just a stupid bozo, jerk, and a trash. And it's all because of God, because He pick me from the garbage can and cleanse me and use me. Without Him I am nothing. Sometimes we just have to realize that we are stupid, nothing, idiot. And who do we think we are? somebody? we even smaller than a dust! We never realize than we will go to hell if he didn't come and rescue us. Hell, a real hell, people! We don't realize how unworthy we are to receive all the praise, only HIM deserve all the glory.
It's been a month I'm here and I've found me again. God spoke to me, to let go and receive my calling. He wrecked my life and painted my canvas. Cleanse me from all my sins, give me a heart to forgive and to love people. Now I can cry, laugh and talk to people about Jesus. He restored me. This is a year of a new season. In the beginning of the year I told God to cleanse me, just do whatever it takes to take me back. Wreck me, process me and beat me up. Push me to get into His calling. And he did. And He still doing it. It's not an easy month but man, I am redeemed, restored, and whole again. I step back into my calling.
I am called to be a history maker, a world changer, a planet shaker. I will do something big with my God, the biggest thing that people can possibly imagine, even bigger than that. Because my God is BIG!
I am His warrior, and I know that my destiny is in the battle field to kick demon's ass, rebuked the spirit of evil and save the lost. And God said, "I've chosen you, and once I choose you, that's who you are. You are my warrior, and no matter what happen, you are my warrior."
There's this great and overwhelming feeling deep inside my heart that want to make me jumping and dancing around, because this great joy and passion in my heart. I am craving for Christ. I am born to serve Him, I am created to glorify Him. That's who I am, my identity. Oh, I am so glad that God brought me back to His plan. There's no place I rather be. I just want to be in His will. God Himself reveal this to me, He spoke to my heart and I know it is Him. He is the Provider, the Great I Am, the Almighty One. My Beloved. Jehovah Jireh. Prince of Peace. My soul yield for Him.
Now I feel like I am ready to go to the mission field, I will go to Tibet, and go to Himalayas, preach the Gospel. I want to go to the most darkest place on earth and kicking demon's ass. China, Bhutan, Nepal, India, wherever God told me to. I want to reach the unreach, strategically. Oh God, I can't wait until those day come. When the earth is filled with the Glory of The Lord as the water cover the sea. And every people from every nation, every tongue, and every tribe come to worship the Almighty One.

I am His servant, from now until forever.