Valentine's Day

Oh my... it's been ages since I updated this blog. I am terribly sorry.
Ever since I got back to Jakarta, everything just kind of go in super fast pace. Just like the city. For almost 3 years I lived in Chiang Mai where everything is kind of slow and feels laid back, getting back in the mega city has not been easy at all. Though I am entering my 3rd year here, I found it very hard still to find things that I enjoy here (besides friends and family of course).

Today is Valentine's Day.
For a single girl like me it doesn't feel any different than any other day to be honest. But with the social media and peer pressure on single girl in her late 20s, today can be a tough day to face. I say goodbye to dating a long time ago, I used to date when I was in High School but not anymore since then. I have decided to follow God's calling and took the harder road in leaving home and study as well as serving others in the other side of the world. Many of you are familiar with my story. And many of you have asked me, "Are you seeing someone?" and when I say, "No" you'll try to hook me up with someone. I want you to know that I appreciate that. :)
From the outside, I looked like I am very content with my situation at the moment. Even one of my girl friends have said, "You seemed like you got it all together. You don't seem worry at all and that you trust God completely."
Well, I can tell you this, I definitely don't have it all together. I do have my moments. I just don't show it often or I don't put it on my status. And I think many girls can relate to me on this, we tried to keep it all together but deep inside we are all struggling, we are all have that fear of 'what if I'll be single all my life' and so on. And let's be honest, we all have that fear.

When I was still in the mission school, I said this to my friend: "I think I'll be okay if God calls me to be single all my life, if that means God will be most glorified. And I much rather be single than marrying a wrong person." Now I wonder if God really heard my prayer and took it too seriously. Ha!

No, but honestly, there were moments when I doubt myself. Where I cried myself to sleep and ache with the desire not to just have a life partner, but to have a family of my own. To give my mom grandchildren that she always wanted. To experience something new, something that I never experienced before. To see what life is about with someone as a life partner. See, I never had a boyfriend before, so I don't even know what it feels like to be held, be loved and to have someone cared and love you like that. (The more reason why I think my future husband is gonna be so awesome) And I want that! And God, He seems like he is taking his time... and he just really like putting me in the waiting room, because that's the room I hate the most and the room I grow the most. Ah it's hard... but I am more than convinced that it's going to be worth it.

Oh and the fact is, I do still pray that prayer. Even when I see my friends getting married and held hands when they walked down the aisle. Even when I see a little boy running around in the supermarket and dreaming that one day it could be mine. Even when I ache with desire to build a God-fearing family with my husband and children. Even when people said I am getting old and it's going to get harder to get a partner. I will still pray that prayer. Because what is all that if it doesn't bring the most glory for God. Now don't get me wrong, I know that God desire for us, for me to have those things I dream about. That when I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desire of my heart. What I am saying is those dreams doesn't make my relationship with God, He comes first and the rest is second. So I never put those things in front of him, and get mad because he have not given it to me.

The society is not very friendly with women like me. Late 20s, almost 30, single, God-fearing and productive. They're going to try to put me in a box and squeeze every self confident out of me. Told me that maybe I am not good enough, or I am too good, that I need to lower my standard. Now let me say this, on a Valentine's day: I think I'll be okay if God calls me to be single all my life, if that means God will be most glorified. And I much rather be single than marrying a wrong person.

As harsh as it may sound, as it's a misfit to the society, that is the choice I made for me and God. That I am sold out for him no matter what. If he decided to bless me with a husband and family, I will praise him and if he doesn't I will still praise him.